NEVER DATE A GUY WHO DOESNT DRINK COFFEE

So, it wasn't a date. We have never met, but we have a mutual friend in common. We are both from the same state, but now live in this different state, and we don't know many people. He has a job, and I don't. So networking is key. Right? No.

Initially, I had offered that we get coffee. Since coffee can be consumed in a setting that allows you to get another cup if you are having a good time, or to bail after half an hour. But he suggested dinner and a couple of drinks. Which is how I ended up at a pizza gourmet restaurant. Fine.

Never, ever think, "fine."

So I show up and he's already drinking. Fine. We make conversation about jobs, things to do, our home state, and then the weather. Ah, "the weather." When you start talking about the weather, it's a forewarning for disaster.

4 hours later, I am drinking my 4th glass of water, and watching him down his 3rd glass of vodka red-bull, which followed 5 beers and a shot. He then starts yelling at the bartender, and calling him obscene names in a joking manner because I guess "he comes here all the time." Even more so, he starts giving the finger to anyone he has seen in the bar before and doesn't like. He also refers to any girl he has ever dated or slept with to a "whore," "slut," or "casper-looking polar bear."

Is today really only Monday?

I sat there, half listening to him curse and talk about all the rich people he drinks with, and looking at two men in business suits across the bar area from us. I desperately would have rather been sitting with one of them. First, because my drinking buddy is in jeans, a tshirt and is wearing his hat backwards, and these men sitting across from me are in button-up, collared shirts and ties. Gosh, i love men in ties.

Turns out my drinking friend, here, is a catty at a golf course (hence the knowing of all rich people), and he keeps talking about, no, spitting about, how he gets free concert tickets to this and that. I don't know if I was more annoyed at his slur and blood-shot eyes, or the fact that half of my empty glass of water has been refilled with his saliva.

Finally, he pays. We leave and he puts his hand on my shoulder as we walk out. I shrug it off and hurriedly look for my keys in my purse. He says, " I'm glad we did this. When you suggested coffee, I thought, no way, because I can't stand coffee, much less anything hot that touches my mouth. It burns my tongue."

"Ok, well goodnight," I say.

I get in my car, set my GPS for "Home Address," (yes, i'm that new to this city), and tell myself, "Never date a guy who doesn't drink coffee."

This is my new pre-requisite for sophisticated dating. I bet the men in ties drank coffee that morning.